If the Material is already setup in the project environment, it will NOT be changed when loading families with the same materials. Revit assumes the project is correct and will not change that material every time a family is loaded. With that knowledge, all you really have to do is make a dummy material with the correct name, load it into a project with the correct material (i.e. identity, graphics, appearance, etc. settings) and then open that family for editing. Now you have a family with the same settings.
On a related note, one could also use the Revit Family Processor (by CTC Express Tools) to quickly add, delete or change Materials in several families at once. This has some limitations (due to the API as I understand it) but can definitely help. The image below shows how one might add a Material name (LHB Maple in this example) to several families.
- FYI: The Family Processor is a great way to get rid of all the default Materials loaded in your content (which came from the family templates).